Inggeriskan KENTUT

Adin : Kentut dalam Bahasa Inggeris apa cikgu?

Cikgu : Wind of change.

Adin : Kentut yang tidak bunyi?

Cikgu : Sound of silence.

Adin : Kentut yang tak disengaja?

Cikgu : Careless whisper.

Adin : Kentut yang terhimpit?

Cikgu: Please release me.

Adin : Kentut yang bau sangat?

Cikgu : Killing me softly.

Adin : Kentut di malam hari?

Guru : Wonderfull tonight.

Adin : Orang yang sering kentut?

Cikgu: No body but you.

Sumber : Internet

Bank Manager is smarter than a Robber

There was this robbery in Guangzhou , the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
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One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
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When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
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After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
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The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
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The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
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The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

sumber lawak : internet

STORY OF JAGA SINGH

This story tell us not to be 'too kind' to our bosses…!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here it goes:

There's this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a night guard at his house.

One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch
an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire's car just right in front of the gate.

He said 'Sir.... Sir.... are you going to board a plane?'
'Yes, why?' asked the millionaire. 'You had better cancel the trip. You see, last night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.'

Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. 'You better be damn right for this is a million dollar deal.'

The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed!. 'Thank God I cancelled the trip.' the rich man said Realising that what Jaga Singh had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.

When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his salary and FIRED him. WHY?

Think first....

Use your brains

Use your brains!!!!!

Still no idea??


Come on...... it is very easy....

Still drawing a blank????

Just imagine you are the Singh and you have saved your boss's life.........

OK-lah, since you do not want to 'use your brains' like Jaga Singh before you talk to your boss..........

Just scroll down for the answer....


ANSWER

Jaga Singh was supposed to guard the house at night.... NOT to Sleep and Dream all night!!!!!

So, GO BACK TO WORK and don't try to save your boss's life!! It's not worth!!! Always save your own ass first!!! Haha!!!

The Importance of Documentation

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Good Lord! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband; that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us into jail! All kinds of terrible things will happen. Absolutely not! I CANNOT sell you any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"You didn't tell me you had a prescription".



Moral : - Always give importance to documentation


Source : email from intan

ALL ABOUT BRA

Q: Which is the striped BRA?
zeBRA

Q: Poisonous BRA?
coBRA

Q: Mathematical BRA?
algeBRA

Q: Sunsign BRA?
liBRA

Q: Magical BRA?
aaBRA ka daBRA

Q: Religious BRA
BRA hmin!

Q: Metallic bra
BRAss

Q: Anjelina jolly' Bra
BRAd pit..

Q: Botany BRA
BRAnch

Q: Marketing BRA
BRAnd!

Q: AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL BRA
BRAaak Obama

Q: puctuation k liye bra
BRAcket

Q: Scary bra....
GhaBRAahat!!!!

Q: Cricketers ka bra
BRAdd hogg

Q: How does d donkey cry...
BRAAAAA!!
Braaaaa!!
Braaaaaaaaaa!!!

Q: a room where BRA's are kept..
LiBRAry

Q: Bra which became the american president and inspired the whole world,
aBRAham Lincoln!

Q: The BRA which holds the record for most no of T20 runs in an innings?
BRAndon McCullum.

Q: which bra is very important for any vehicle
BRAke

This is why I don't like visiting rich people

Once when visiting a very rich friend of mine , the maid approached me and asked me ......


1- Question : What would you like to have for a drink, fruit juice, soda, tea , hot chocolate, cappuccino, frappuccino or coffee?

Answer: Tea please.

2- Question : Ceylon tea, Indian tea, herbal tea, bush tea, honey bush tea, iced tea or green tea ?
Answer : Ceylon tea please

3- Question : How would you like it? black or white?
Answer : White

4- Question : Milk or fresh cream?
Answer : With milk


5- Question : Powdered milk or fresh milk ?

Answer : Aah , fresh .


6- Question : Goat's milk or cow's milk?
Answer : cow's milk please .

7- Question : Freezeland cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: umm , think I'll just take it black

8- Question : would you like it with a sweetener, sugar or honey or without ?
Answer : with sugar

9- Question : beet sugar or cane sugar ?
Answer : cane sugar

10- Question : white, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Oh ya , forget about the tea , just give me a glass of water instead .

11- Question : mineral water , tap water or distilled water?
Answer : mineral water

12- Question : flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I think I'll just die of thirst !!!


13- Question : How do you choose to die sir? !!!

Typing Errors

A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams,
Which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

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A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife
"I wish you were here."
The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her.."

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A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said, put "Getting older but you are getting better".
The salesman asked "How do you want me to put it?"
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "But you are getting better" at the bottom.'

When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
It reads "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"

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Moral of the Story:

1. Double proof read everything before you send.

2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.

3. Don't order cakes by telephone.


Source : email from syarizal (perak)


IZZI ADVERTIZING---------------------------------

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Source : email from intan (p.jaya)

IZZI ADVERTIZING------------------------

21st Century FACTS

1)Our communication - Wireless
2)Our phones - Cordless
3)Our cooking - Fireless
4)Our food - Fatless
5)Our Sweets - Sugarless
6)Our labor - Effortless
7)Our relations - Fruitless
8)Our attitude - Careless
9)Our feelings - Heartless
10)Our politics - Shameless
11)Our education - Worthless
12)Our Mistakes - Countless
13)Our arguments - Baseless
14)Our youth - Jobless
15)Our Ladies - Topless
16)Our Boss - Brainless
17)Our Jobs - Thankless
18)Our Needs - Endless
19)Our situation - Hopeless
20)Our Salaries - Less and less

Source : email from tok cindai (perak)

IZZI ADVERTIZING--------------------------

Marriage Humor

Wife : 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband :'I was looking for the expiry date.'


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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'


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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady..'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


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Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."



Source : email from intan (petaling jaya, selangor)

Missing Husband Report

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:

Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him..????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain,
height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair,
his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks,
wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes
non veg food, we eat together, we jog together….

And the lady started crying…..

Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first..!!!!



Source : email from zaulyn (seremban, n.sembilan)

Nice Explanation

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’
The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’
The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’
The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’
But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’
‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy yourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.


Source : email from Ibrahim (taman Sentosa, Klang)

Boss Kidnapped!!

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

They're asking for RM2 Million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?

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"About 1 litre."


Source : email from maksu (http://ceritakosong.blogspot.com)

I thought you said there was nobody available

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing things.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


source : email from syahrizal (telok gong, selangor)

Confusing Chinese Names

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller : Well.... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgen t matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!


Source : email from syarizal (tlk gong, port klang)

Astaga!

Funny 1
70 year old man asks his wife..."Do you feel sad when you see me running behind young girls?"

Wife replied "No, not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it."


Funny 2
A young Chinese girl going on her 1st date and her mother warned her...
"1st he kisses your cheek; then he'll kiss your breasts, you'll enjoy; then he want to go on top. You must not allow it so as not to disgrace our family name, ok"
Next day, girl told Mom, "Everything happened exactly as you predicted. I didn't allow him to go on top so I went on top and disgraced his family."


Funny 3
A white couple had a black baby...
The husband doesn't believe that it's his baby.
Husband: Why the baby black?
Wife: You hot, I hot, baby burnt..!


Funny 4
Wife: "Honey, what are you looking for?'
Husband: "Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband:" I was looking for the expiry date!"


Funny 5
Boy: Mom, why am I black and you are white?
Mom: Listen Son, considering all the crazy things I did years ago, you should be thankful that you are not barking!"


Source : email from e-la

GHOST CHAT

Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.

1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I died of cold.

1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was accidentally locked in the refrigerator.


Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died suffocating.

1st ghost : Wow what a horrible way to die....
2nd ghost : How about you? How u die?

1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man.

One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone.

I must find where that Guy is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the Guy was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing.

Because of all that running,I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost : Why you never look for the Guy in the fridge? The Guy was hiding there. We both might be alive now!!


Sumber : email daripada syahrizal (telok gong, selangor)

Arahan Biar Jelas

All members of staff - please note that due to recession, there will only be one drink per person at this year's Annual Party.

And please bring your own cup!

Regards,

Management

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And what happened at the annual party !!! (Scroll down)
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OFFICE MEMO:




The specifications were missing in the memo (size of cup).

Moral of the story:
Be very specific in your daily life including project work.
Give specific specifications.

I Want To Cut Connection Us..

SURAT CINTA TIJAH

Tija budak kampung tapi bekerja di Kuala Lumpur. Biasalah bila sudah duduk “town”, mula lupa asal usul. Pakai seksi maut, bercinta pula dengan lelaki mat saleh. Ke hulu ke hilir menayang boyfriendnya yang bermata biru.

Punyalah eksyen si Tijah, hinggalah suatu hari dia ternampak lelaki Inggeris tadi dengan wanita lain yang lebih cantik dan bergaya daripadanya.

Tijah menangis tiga hari tiga malam. Pada malam ke empat, Tijah mengambil sehelai kertas dan menulis surat untuk memutuskan perhubungannya dengan lelaki mat saleh tadi yang baru dikenalinya sebulan.

Begini bunyi surat yang ditulis oleh Tijah binti Kulup Kecil, yang berjaya “dicuri”…
Mike…

I WANT TO CUT CONNECTION US.

I have think about this cook-cook. I know I clap one hand only. Correctly, I have seen you and she walk-walk together at town with eyes myself. You grab hand she.
You always ask for apology back-back. i don’t trust you again! You are really crocodile land.

My friend speak you play wood three. First-first i think my friend lie me. But now I know you correct-correct play wood three.

So, I break connection to pull my body from this love triangle. I know this result I pick is very correct, because you love she very high from me.

So, i cut this connection to go far from here. i don’t want you play-play with my liver.

I have been crying until no more eye water thinking about you. I don’t want banana to fruit two times.

Safe walk…

Tijah.

ngeh3...besh ah surat ni..


Sumber : http://nurulhabibatulamini.blogspot.com

I don't want to go to school

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
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MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."




Sumber : email daripada syarizal (perak)